nowhere = now here

13 things to look forward to

I met with a new client last night, the one who tipped my scales to self employment. I have the time for the work.
When I got home, one of my clients called with an urgent referral for one of their clients who needs quickbooks help quick.
The boss who fired me two years ago also called to check out the air between us, probably because he wants a babysitter for the business while he goes to Europe next month. This is the guy who thought I was no good at quickbooks cause he couldn't learn it. I have no time to sell him.
All of my clients want more of my time. And I like them all.
I am rejoining the YWCA and reclaiming my 9am swim time 3 mornings a week. That's weekday mornings.
Yesterday I saw crocuses.
Tuesday night we had a thunderstorm.
Earlier in the week the sun and new moon were both in Pisces. Feel it?
I'm having a lively email-respondence with an interesting triple Gemini.
Another poem. Soon.
Last week, after several emails and phone messages, I spent a very long time on the phone with Be's dad, and neither of us mentioned it was the last minutes of Valentine's Day. We spoke again a few nights later when he called for Be. Almost normal - in patches.
Me and friend Shay are planning an April Fool's ritual on her family farm. April Fool's Day was my granny's birthday and is my witch day. Big fire and we are building a sculpture to mark Shay's spot of power.
21 March 2000: began vow of 7 years celibate.

hanging the elephant

When one Is determined to hang the elephant
There must be a trial.

First:
What crime has been commited?

The elephant didn’t ask to be in the living room.
Indeed, she’s been giving off signals for years,
stamping her round feet and
blowing hot air from her swaying trunk,
eating everything in sight or
refusing to eat at all.

And – the evidence?
Yes – everyone saw the casual hook,
the body flying through the room,
coming to rest on the wall-to-wall,
sprawled and surprised
and quite quite dead.

But –
Who among us wasn’t aware
of the extreme provocation?
Surely we can concede some element of self-defense.
We saw the truth.
We admired her forbearance.
Neighbors, what woud you do under such a weight?

Search your hearts, friends.
Is death the only answer?

Are we really ready to hang her
Cause there’s a noose handy
And money to be made?

ain't no sunshine

It's been grey lately - it gets like that sometimes. Where everything seems a mistake - where it seems the path is a treadmill, or a maze, looping back on itself. When I open my mouth, toads and snakes fly out, startling the people who love me. My shoulders hunch and my eyes stay on the ground. Why not? the skies are grey.
I can write a list of reasons why it feels like this, but in the end, it doesn't matter. All that matters is making it stop - finding the right way out of the maze. Is deconstruction the key? Spring greens? A long hot bath? A short harsh drunk? I count my blessings into the triple digits, telling beads and muttering prayers.
I know all the signs, after all these years. I get better at self defense, better at the small spells designed to stave off the complete slide into black. I remember that abyss, the cold kiss on the nape of my neck, the lists I made of loving friends who would care for my daughter, miles walked in numbing winter winds to find the strength to piece together the tattered remains of a life shredded by loss.
Looking for the words to describe it feels melodramatic.  I want to be better than this, stronger than this. I want to deny, deny, deny. Every day I promise to be better than I feel.

Thursday already?

Glory Days is playing again.
Finished the blasted payroll. Finished my favorite client's year. Got a running start on paypal.
Allowed the guy I've been emailing to call me. We are very different. That's good, right?
My  big sister - a huge inspiration for my citizenship in blognation - has added me to her blogroll. I feel honored, as she sports some very spiffy bloggers - and is herself no slouch.
The lunchtime cashier at Wendy's drivethru gave me a nasty look today when I paid with a $20. I could see the wind blowing her hair. Say "windy Wendy's window"  and imagine that job.
Alliteration seems to be the theme.
Maybe it was the cheesecake I had for dinner.
Best woowoo moment of the day -Just As I Am from Willie Nelson's Redheaded Stranger.
Second best woowoo moment of the day - hearing BigSis made it to the beach today.
Short list - many links.
Literature is the organization of platitudes.
                Thornton Wilder